WITLESS PROTECTION

Larry the Cable Guy tries to do the right thing by saving a beautiful "kidnapped" woman (Ivana Milicevic) but gets pursued by a team of crooked FBI agents for his troubles. A small-town sheriff (Larry the Cable guy) is just doing his job when he stops what he thinks is two men kidnapping a woman (Ivana Milicevic). However, the "kidnappers" claim to be FBI agents who are only escorting their charge to a major trial in Chicago, so the sheriff lets them go. Later on, the lawman discovers that the agents are actually dirty and really are trying to kill the witness.
Cast Larry the Cable Guy, Ivana Milicevic, Yaphet Kotto, Peter Stormare, Eric Roberts, Joe Mantegna
Director(s) Charles Robert Carner
Writer(s) Charles Robert Carner
Status In theaters (wide)
Genre(s) Comedy
Release Date Feb. 22, 2008
Running Time 97 minutes
Web Site witlessprotectionmovie.com


Who's in It: Larry the Cable Guy, Jenny McCarthy, Ivana Milicevic, Peter Stormare, Joe Mantegna

The Basics: Larry the Cable Guy accidentally kidnaps Ivana Milicevic (model turned funny character actress; you've seen her before) because he thinks he's saving her from shady-looking men who've already abducted her. In reality, she's in witness protection and her "kidnappers" were FBI guys. What's Larry to do but whisk her off himself to solve the actual crime that's really going on and dumbly save the day?

What's the Deal? If I believed in such a thing as guilty pleasure then I guess Larry the Cable Guy's live-action-film output (Cars doesn't count) would be just that. Because his films are all, without exception, horrible pieces of crap. But since I don't think guilt serves any purpose in life, or that D-list Internet film critics like me serve much more purpose, I know that I have nothing to lose in terms of credibility or respect of my peers by announcing my love of this man's movies. They are crass, they are sub-lowest-common-denominator "funny," they are obvious, they seem barely written. And I want to stress that I'm not enjoying these films ironically. I'm not even saying that they're so bad they're good. I'm saying I laugh. I laugh a lot. Out loud. I don't know why. But I do. It feels good to confess this.

Trying to Explain Myself. It Won't Work. But I'll Try: I like how he's in on the joke — this idiotic redneck bubba is a fictional creation after all, just go find some of his old pre-"Larry" standup routines online, because they're out there and, believe me, you like him better as "Larry" than you will as Dan Whitney in a jacket with padded shoulders — and that he gets to revel in and mock his own character. He's not Peter Sellers; he's Jim Varney's less clever, half-naked spawn (It's funny because he's fat), and these films are this generation's Ernest Scared Stupid.

Favorite Parts: Well there's the bit on the pig farm. Wacky-antics-with-pigs is always good fun. But I think I like the fact that Peter Stormare and Joe Mantegna are here doing awful accents and pretending that they believe in the material. Or the fact that Jenny McCarthy will do anything.

What to Grade This Movie? You see the letter C up at the top of the review. That's what they call an "average" in math class. Because it's actually an F movie. But I had an A time.